The Mighty Who
by Fleurdetemps
Summary: A Doctor Who Mighty Boosh Crossover. What is Bob Fossil up to and can The Doctor Help Howard and Vince figure it out?
1. Chapter 1

Mighty Who

Come with me now on a journey through time and space….

In the Zoo office Bob Fossil cowered in his chair as a shadow fell over him.

"What do you want? I've got some polo's-," he said in his whiny American brogue. "They are minty fresh."

There was a terrifying growl from that which stood just out of shot. It reached out, into the mind of its victim and laughed with a low evil laugh.


	2. Chapter 2

Sometime later…Howard and Vince were cleaning out the koala cage at the Zoo-niverse. Vince started to check his reflection him a hand mirror when his friend snatched it from him.

"There's a time and a place for that," snapped Howard.

"Yeah, here and now," he produced another mirror.

"You're like a magpie you are. Drawn to shiny objects. Why can't you take your job seriously?"

"I do. I'm Mowgli in flares, a hip Doctor Dolittle, an animal genius mate."

"You're an idiot."

"What's the matter? You've been grumpy all day."

"It's Dixon Bainbridge boasting about his travel. Look at him smug as a slug in a cabbage patch. He's been every where. Timbuktu, Greenwich, Siberia, the Amazon. He's been to the edge of the world and back. Where have I Howard Moon been? Nowhere."

"You went down the shops yesterday. And there was that weekend on the Isle of Wight-,"

"Somehow the Isle of Wight doesn't count as an untamed wilderness. I want more, more Vince. I want to travel to places man has never before set foot in. I want to be on the front of Global Explorer. I want the headline Howard Moon discovers lost civilisation."

"But I thought you said you wanted to go somewhere no man had ever set foot in? How could there be a lost civilisation if no one was there?"

"Shut up."

"Because that's a big flaw in your plan-,"

"I said shut up."

"Its got more floors than the empire state building-,"

"That's not even funny."

"You-,"

"I get it ok. Now get on with your work."

"Why don't you go travelling then? Hop on the magic bus to the edge of the world-,"

"It takes a lot of planning. You can't just take a bus straight there."

"Yes, you can."

"Don't be stupid-,"

"Look there's a stop right outside the zoo," he pointed at the gates.

Through the bars could be seen a bus stop and a bus pulled up outside and the conductor called out.

"All aboard for mysterious outer regions, wilderness and undiscovered paradise."

It pulled away with a hiss as the doors shut.

"Ok. You've made your point," said Howard a little miffed.

"_Oy, you two," shouted Fossil over the loud speaker system. "Were getting a new delivery today, so get here pronto! Got it?"_

"Vince you go-,"

"_That means both of you. Now!"_

"Come on, it might be fun," said Vince with a smile.


	3. Chapter 3

"Are you sure," replied Rose.

"Yeah, you'll enjoy the swinging sixties. I spent quite a bit of time in that era. I think 1963 was my favourite year this really cool science fiction programme started and-,"

"Alright, alright, that's enough. I don't need the documentary thank you. We'll go to the sixties."

"Brilliant! Now I'll just set the co-ordinates."

"And I'll go and change."

"Always with the outfits," he said under his breath as she wandered off towards the TARDIS wardrobe.


	4. Chapter 4

The crate with warning signs pasted all over it rattled and rocked from side to side as it was lifted off the truck. From inside could be heard a growling roaring noise. Howard placed a hand on the side of the crate but quickly drew it back again as the beast roared inside.

"What is it," asked Vince.

"It's a Hoix," replied Fossil, rubbing his hands together with glee.

For a moment both Howard and Vince were taken aback. They looked at each other then at Fossil then at the crate.

"Excuse us a moment," said Howard, turning round and guiding his friend a little way away from Fossil. "Was that just me or did he-,"

"Remember the name of an animal. That's not right man."

"I know. There's something different about him today but I can't quite put a finger on it."

"What about the Hawk on his shoulder? It's been giving me the evils."

"It's always birds with you isn't it?"

"No, really. I think it wants to nest in my hair."

"Well, that's your own fault with the over styling."

"Its not over styled. This barnet is the star of the show. It makes it. People only watch for the hair."

"Vince-,"

"What?"

"Were in a zoo. There's no audience. This isn't a show."

"For all you know it is. We could be on a hidden camera show or big brother or something."

"You're straying from the point. Fossil, what are we going to do about him?"

"I don't know. Ask Naboo, he'll help."

"Hey you two, stop yapping and get over here," yelled Fossil, impatiently. "Did you bring the chops?"

"Yeah," replied Howard, lifting up the bucket full of them.

"Good," he answered, with an evil laugh.


	5. Chapter 5

"So……"

"So this isn't the sixties," apologised the Doctor, hands stuffed in his pockets as he spun around to observe his surroundings. "But we're in a zoo. A zoo can be fun."

"Zoo's are cruel. They keep the poor creatures locked up when they should be running around free."

"What if its natural environment is too dangerous or too polluted? What if their on the verge of extinction and the only way they can survive is in captivity? Is it so cruel then?"

"Well, I wouldn't like to be locked in a cage," she replied. "And anyway I look ridiculous."

"You don't. You're a mod at heart aren't you," he winked, playfully.

"Ditto."

"Come on. If we hurry up we might get to the pool in time to see the porpoise show."

* * *

"That, that thing was not from this world," said Howard, as he sat down on the bench near the keepers hut. "and-,"

"Poor, Gimble," agreed Vince. "Shame he wasn't fast enough."

"Yeah, it's surprising how that creature just homed in on the weaker prey just as he ran out of chops."

"And lucky that you went to fetch the next bucket of food, or it could have been you."

"Makes you look at your life in a different way."

"Oh, don't get all 'philosophical' on me Howard."

"The fleetingness of life is like the fleeting tone of jazz-,"

"Stop right there. This is no place for jazz talk. We've got to see Naboo," said Vince getting to his feet.

"Why?"

"To ask him what's going on with Fossil. If anyone knows he will."

* * *

"That was….well unusual to say the least," said Rose, surprised as they walked out of the pool area.

"Yep, and I lost a fiver on the race," replied the Doctor. "Where to next?"

"I'm happy to wander round aimlessly."

"My kind of answer." He smiled.


	6. Chapter 6

"So," said Howard. "Do you know anything?"

"He's under alien control," replied Naboo.

"What alien," asked Vince.

"From my home planet. It's an evil creature that will take over this planet if its progress isn't checked."

"Can't you do something about it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I cannot tell you suffice to say it's a very important reason."

"Well thanks for that," replied Howard sarcastically.

"But I can tell you someone who can help."

"Who," asked Vince.

"The Doctor."

"The Doctor, who's he?"

"Bollo, the book-," asked Naboo.

The gorilla carried the thick leather bound books over to his master, grumbling under his breath.

"I've got a bad feeling about this."

"What's that," asked Vince.

"The legend of the Timelord's, an ancient people who disappeared. It tells the tale of the Doctor the last survivor of a great war."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. How can he stop this Hoix?"

"Ask him that, it's his job."

The Doctor patted his pockets searching for something as Rose stood by one of the enclosures which seemed suspiciously empty.

"What I need now is a camera," he muttered to himself.

"Doctor," said Rose.

"What?"

"There are no animals in this cage. It's empty."

"Of course there is. The poor things probably trying to get some shut eye," he replied peering into the cage.

"Are all the animals sleeping at the same time?"

"Don't be ridiculous-,"

"Because all the other cages are empty too."

The Doctor ran up and down the zoo looking in each cage in turn, a look of incredulity on his face. Only two of the cages had animals in, but from the way they were hidden they could have been stuffed toys.

"You're right, you're definitely right. Something underhanded is going on in this zoo and I'm going to find out what."

* * *

"I did as you ordered master," said Fossil, "I got that….creature."

"Good…good. You have done well so far."

"Thank you, but how long is it going to stay here? I've already had to feed half the attractions to it. The nocturnal ones so no one would notice but there are questions being asked-,"

"Who's asking questions," the being snapped in reply.

"Just people-,"

"Who!"

"Some of the keepers, I'm sorry master."

"Well we will have to teach them not to ask questions won't we?"

"How," Fossil snorted a laugh, as he rubbed his hands together. "Do we do that?"

"I think its feeding time again don't you," the creature replied with an evil laugh.

The American tried to join in but his chuckle sounded forced and artificial.


	7. Chapter 7

Vince and Howard walked through the zoo talking about their predicament, not taking any notice of the empty cages.

"But how are we going to find this 'Doctor' in time. It's like looking for a needle in a haystack," complained Howard.

"Don't worry, I'll think of something."

"What? Things don't just turn up you know. He's not going to come strolling round that corner and offer to help-,"

"Hey! Excuse me," called out the Doctor as he strolled round the corner. "I noticed all your animals have all mysteriously disappeared and I want to help."

* * *

"So that's the guy in charge," asked the Doctor, pointing at Fossil. "And the hawk regular or new addition?"

"New. He's got this new exhibit, which keeps eating all the other animals."

"It even got one of the keepers."

"And no one said anything," exclaimed Rose.

"Well things happen around here," replied Vince with a shrug.

"Last week we had a load of mutants running around," agreed Howard.

"And there's a shaman and his talking gorilla familiar living in the zoo."

"We have very quick staff turnover. Most of them don't make it to the end of the week. But I Howard Moon have been here for…well-,"

"Ages."

"A long time. You know why that is, don't you?"

"Why," asked Rose, not realising the trap she'd fallen into.

"Because I'm a man of action. I can bob and weave. I'm like the shrew; arms in short out with the claw," he showed an example of this technique. "Bam! They don't know what hit them. Lions, Tigers Sharks they quake at my name."

"You're the one that quakes," butted in Vince. "I've seen you shaking like a jellyfish in an earthquake-,"

"That's," replied the Doctor, interrupting. "Well, that's interesting to say the least."

"And one time he-,"

"Enough Vince. How are you going to save the zoo Doctor?"

"I have a plan."

* * *

"So you see Mr Prendergast, what happened to little Jimmy," explained Fossil to an irate visitor.

"You have made nothing clear Mr Fossil."

"I have!"

"Running round the office making noises is not an explanation. Where is my son?"

"Well some of our animals have very specialised diets-,"

"What has that got to do with it?"

"A lot."

"That's it I'm calling the police!"

"Oh no your not," replied Fossil, threateningly.

"Why?"

"Because I'll take you to your son, if you would like to follow me?"

He rubbed his hands together and laughed evilly.

* * *


	8. Chapter 8

"Is that hat really practical?" asked Howard.

"I've got to think of my reputation. There's no harm in looking good while you're saving the universe."

"Are you ready," asked the Doctor.

"Yep," replied Howard.

"Do you understand the plan, what you've got to do?"

"Can you go through it one more time," asked Vince.

"You take the bucket-,"

"Which one?"

"The blue one. And I'll take the meat-,"

"What meat?"

"The chops you bought," replied the Doctor. "I gave you the money for it."

"Erm…well…I don't know how to say it but I saw this hat and you know I just had to buy it," he admired his complexion in a nearby window. "Nice."

"You did what," exclaimed the Doctor and Howard together.

"I bought the hat-,"

"You're an idiot," said Rose.

"For this you," the Doctor slapped Vince on the back, "Will be the bait."

Vince gulped.

"Howard. You can't let him use me as bait. I'm too pretty."

"It's your own fault."

"But I'm aquarium he's aviary its out of my speciality. I don't do monsters-,"

* * *

"So like when are you going to leave," asked Fossil, tentatively.

"Leave? Leave!" the creature exclaimed. "I'm never going to leave."

"B-But-,"

"I can see into your…minuscule mind you putrid human. The only way to escape is to die!"

Fossil dropped to his knees hands in a praying position.

"Why won't you leave," he whined. "I want to go home!"

"Home? Home, when the Hoix is done and this planet is mine you won't have a home!"

* * *

They snuck up to the cage where the Hoix was being kept the master key in hand.

"Right, you stand there," said the Doctor to Vince, "And get ready to run."

"I don't like this, _man_."

"Just do as you're told and it will be fine."

He turned the key in the rusty lock with a creak the door swung open. There was a growl from the darkness and a rustle of something moving in the hay. Then suddenly it appeared looming out of the shadows.

Its face came right up close to Vince's and it lit out a snort of putrid rotting meat, spit spraying out.

"Aragh-Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," cried Vince a look of utter terror on his face.

The creature snatched his hat off his head and proceeded to chew a huge chunk out of it before discarding the offending item.

"My hat!"

It roared at him again. He turned on his heels and ran. The monster pursued him through the zoo.

Rose and Howard waited round the corner ready. Both held their buckets ready.

"So what's in this stuff then," asked Howard.

"I don't know. He just poured in a load of stuff from the bathroom cabinet and the cupboard under the stairs."

"Do you think it's toxic?"

"I-, Here he comes get ready!"

As Vince passed them with the Hoix in pursuit they threw the buckets of liquid over the creature.


	9. Chapter 9

"It's gone," exclaimed Fossil his voice going a little high.

"Where is it?"

"I don't know. I'm sorry master."

"You will be punished for this-,"

"Ah-h'a," declared the Doctor, coming out from his hiding place. "I should have known."

"Doctor?"

"As a transient metamorph you do get around a lot."

"Who's this guy boss? Do you want me to sort him out," asked Fossil.

"Quiet you foolish little man," snapped the creature. "Now Doctor, where is my little attack dog?"

"That's for me to know and you to find out. And don't even try your mind tricks-,"

"I wouldn't dream of it."

* * *

"Aw, man," exclaimed Vince. "That was way too scary and it ate my hat."

"No one cares about your stupid hat," snapped Howard.

"We just have to hope the Doctor does as well as we have," said Rose.

"Look at it sleeping like a baby."

"Baby! That thing tried to eat me."

"What wouldn't eat you?"

"I didn't notice you volunteering to be chased by a slobbering monster."

"That's because I'm the brains of the operation. I'm a thinker not a practical man. You're the one who does the leg work because you're a practical person."

"I'm a practical person then am I?"

"Yeah. You see a hat you go out and get it, me I think about it."

"You two-," said Rose urgently.

"In a moment," replied Howard.

"No now. Look," she pointed at the Hoix, it had woken up.

"Oh s-,"

"Ditto."

The creature leant forward and roared.

"I don't want to die," whimpered Howard, "I've got too much to give."

"Run!"

* * *

"So what is it this time Bendicray," asked the Doctor staring down his foe. "I noticed you've chosen an aquiline form."

"Yes, I'm rather proud of myself," it replied. "And you are-,"

He paused as he heard cries approaching their position. They all turned to see Rose, Vince and Howard running towards them Hoix in pursuit.

"Argh," exclaimed Fossil diving into the now empty cage and pulling the door shut. "Ha! Now I'm safe."

Suddenly the group split apart one to the left the other two to the right the Doctor joined Rose. Leaving Bendicray standing in the middle on his own. The Hoix saw his captor and tormentor. There was a heart rending scream.

* * *

"Well that's that sorted out," said the Doctor as they banged the final nails into the crate containing a sleeping and sated Hoix. "Just got to take this little feller home."

"Thanks for helping out mate," said Vince.

"Just doing my job," he said pushing the crate on the trolley into the TARDIS. "Bye."

"Yeah, bye," agreed Rose, following him in.

* * *

The sound of the TARDIS dematerializing rent the air as it disappeared into the ether.

"Of course if it hadn't been for me Howard Moon it might not have turned out so well."

"You liar. You didn't do anything."

"Oh really. I think you will find I-,"

"Moon! Noir! Please you got to let me out! I don't belong here," shouted Fossil.

"So, are we going to let him out," asked Vince as they walked past the cage.

"Nah. I think he needs time to consider what he's done."

"Oh come on! Please let me out. I promise I'll be good."

"No."

"That lion is giving me the evil eye!"

"We don't have any lions….wait we don't have any lions especially ones with glowing red eyes."

"Howard," said Vince nudging his friend. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"That the 'evil' monster is still here in the zoo-,"

"No that I should have bought a jacket instead."

"You strange, vain little man."

"I'm not little-," his jaw dropped. "Argh!"

"There's no need to over react. You-,"

"No, look behind you."

Howard turned round and saw the metamorph change from a lion into a hideous monster.

"Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Run!"

The End.


End file.
